All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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