Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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