I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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