Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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