Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
