I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
PS: I just woke up from my shower
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
