I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
