Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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