she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude i'm inner monologue high
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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