wrigley field is MILF paradise
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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