i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
