Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
