I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
