its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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