she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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