I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
