Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
