If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
