I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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