His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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