I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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