The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
