You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
