You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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