I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You were trust falling into bushes
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
