Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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