we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
