she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
