Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
