dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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