I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
