just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
