i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
