i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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