I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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