can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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