I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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