I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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