i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
