You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
