I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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