Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
