Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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