Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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