We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
