I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
