I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
