Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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