Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
