Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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