you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
